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when seventy years have been completed
"after seventy years" or "after seventy years have passed"
this is Yahweh's declaration
Yahweh speaks of himself by name to express the certainty of what he is declaring. See how you translated this in Jeremiah 1:8. AT: "this is what Yahweh has declared" or "this is what I, Yahweh, have declared" (See: rc://en/ta/man/translate/figs-123person)
an unending desolation
The noun "desolation" can be translated as an adjective. AT: "desolate forever" (See: rc://en/ta/man/translate/figs-abstractnouns)
everything written in this book
This can be translated in active form. AT: "everything that Jeremiah has written in this book" or "everything that one has written in this book" (See: rc://en/ta/man/translate/figs-activepassive)
I will repay them for their deeds and the works of their hands
Yahweh speaks of punishing the people of the nations for what they have done as if he were paying them back. (See: rc://en/ta/man/translate/figs-metaphor)
their deeds and the works of their hands
These two phrases mean basically the same thing. The idiom "the works of their hands" refers to the actions of a person, with the word "hands" being a synecdoche that represents the person who does those actions. AT: "everything that they have done" (See: rc://en/ta/man/translate/figs-doublet and rc://en/ta/man/translate/figs-idiom and rc://en/ta/man/translate/figs-synecdoche)