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en_tn_condensed/1ch/23/24.md

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These were Levi's descendants corresponding to their clans. They were the leaders, counted and listed by name, of the clans

This can be stated in active form. AT: "These were the names of Levi's descendants and their families, whom David's men counted and listed. They were the leaders of the clans" (See: rc://en/ta/man/translate/figs-activepassive)

from twenty years old and upward

"from 20 years old and older" (See: rc://en/ta/man/translate/translate-numbers)

has given rest

Here "rest" refers to peace with surrounding nations. See how you translated a similar phrase in 1 Chronicles 22:9.

He makes his home in Jerusalem forever

Possible meanings are 1) Yahweh will be present in Jerusalem forever or 2) Yahweh's temple will be present in Jerusalem forever.

all the equipment used in its service

This can be stated in active form. AT: "all the equipment they used in its service"

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